I saw a terrible film last night. So terrible that I had to watch the last 1 hour 20 minutes of it by myself. Ruth had seen enough after 20 minutes. And so had I, to be honest, but like Bolivia vs South Korea at USA 1994, that I stayed up till 2.45 in the morning to watch, even though I had to be at work for 7, I didn't know when to admit defeat and just go to bed.
For anyone who doesn't remember that classic footballing encounter, it was a Nil-Nil draw between two terrible teams who were both lucky to get nil. I think if the goals had been the size of blue whales neither team would have been able to hit them. The goalkeepers would have got more touches of the ball if they'd sat in the crowd, because that was where the shots at goal mostly ended up.
But anyway, back to the film. The film was called Justice. It's about a man played by Nicolas Cage whose wife is attacked and hospitalised by a man in snake skin cowboy boots. I think my step dad had some of those. While he's sitting in the waiting room, a man played by Guy Pearce (formerly Mike in Neighbours) comes up to him and offers to get his wife's attacker 'dealt with'. The legal system will take too long, and he'll probably get off with eleven months, blah blah blah. This is where it gets absolutely mental.
Even though Guy Pearce has just been openly advertising his rapist nobbling services in the waiting room of a hospital, he then tells Nicolas Cage that if he wants to accept the offer, he has to go buy two chocolate bars out of a vending machine. Why don't you just give him your phone number, mate?, I wanted to yell.
And so what ensues is what seems like a ten minute walk to the vending machine to get a couple of bars of chocolate. I'm not as good at suspending my disbelief as I used to be, but this was plainly ridiculous. I've been in hospital loads of times, and when I say loads, I mean loads. And generally speaking, although seeing your ailing relative is also quite important, heading for the vending machines is one of the few highlights of being in there. If this was really how you hire a hitman, I would have hired one every time I've been in a hospital. There would hardly be anyone left in the Teesside area. Between 1994 and 1997 my first wife alone spent 70 nights in hospital. That's enough vend to have wiped out half of Stockton.
And so from there I thought the film was completely nuts. And it was. After watching Knowing I'd been prepared to give Nic another chance, but I think he's had plastic surgery or something, either that or he hasn't had the make-up removed after doing Ghost Rider, and his face looks bonkers. I liked him in Con Air and The Rock (apart from his untidy hair in the former), why didn't he just stick to having a normal face?
By the way, it wasn't just the vending machine scene, the plot was completely nuts all the way through. These vigilante types had such convoluted ways of doing things. Like instead of just texting him, or ringing him up, they kept breaking into his heavily fortified house to write things on his fridge in fridge magnets. It's the bloody twenty-first century, man, what about 3G? Fridge magnets are so last century!
They even made him start getting the bus to work, instead of taking his car, so that he could wait under an underpass to throw someone off it. I think the killers in this movie must have been trained by the inverse Time and Motion people, they were completely inefficient. 'Yeah, well, we could just shoot the guy, but then the film will be about 20 minutes long, why don't we have him followed by a remote control helicopter with a poisoned dart attached to the nose, and when he stops at the grocery store, we'll remote control his ass into oblivion!'. It was that bad. Not since the end of a James Bond movie, have the means of killing someone being so ineptly conceived and carried out.
So, to sum up, my advice to you is this: Save your money, and don't see Justice.
For anyone who doesn't remember that classic footballing encounter, it was a Nil-Nil draw between two terrible teams who were both lucky to get nil. I think if the goals had been the size of blue whales neither team would have been able to hit them. The goalkeepers would have got more touches of the ball if they'd sat in the crowd, because that was where the shots at goal mostly ended up.
But anyway, back to the film. The film was called Justice. It's about a man played by Nicolas Cage whose wife is attacked and hospitalised by a man in snake skin cowboy boots. I think my step dad had some of those. While he's sitting in the waiting room, a man played by Guy Pearce (formerly Mike in Neighbours) comes up to him and offers to get his wife's attacker 'dealt with'. The legal system will take too long, and he'll probably get off with eleven months, blah blah blah. This is where it gets absolutely mental.
Even though Guy Pearce has just been openly advertising his rapist nobbling services in the waiting room of a hospital, he then tells Nicolas Cage that if he wants to accept the offer, he has to go buy two chocolate bars out of a vending machine. Why don't you just give him your phone number, mate?, I wanted to yell.
And so what ensues is what seems like a ten minute walk to the vending machine to get a couple of bars of chocolate. I'm not as good at suspending my disbelief as I used to be, but this was plainly ridiculous. I've been in hospital loads of times, and when I say loads, I mean loads. And generally speaking, although seeing your ailing relative is also quite important, heading for the vending machines is one of the few highlights of being in there. If this was really how you hire a hitman, I would have hired one every time I've been in a hospital. There would hardly be anyone left in the Teesside area. Between 1994 and 1997 my first wife alone spent 70 nights in hospital. That's enough vend to have wiped out half of Stockton.
And so from there I thought the film was completely nuts. And it was. After watching Knowing I'd been prepared to give Nic another chance, but I think he's had plastic surgery or something, either that or he hasn't had the make-up removed after doing Ghost Rider, and his face looks bonkers. I liked him in Con Air and The Rock (apart from his untidy hair in the former), why didn't he just stick to having a normal face?
By the way, it wasn't just the vending machine scene, the plot was completely nuts all the way through. These vigilante types had such convoluted ways of doing things. Like instead of just texting him, or ringing him up, they kept breaking into his heavily fortified house to write things on his fridge in fridge magnets. It's the bloody twenty-first century, man, what about 3G? Fridge magnets are so last century!
They even made him start getting the bus to work, instead of taking his car, so that he could wait under an underpass to throw someone off it. I think the killers in this movie must have been trained by the inverse Time and Motion people, they were completely inefficient. 'Yeah, well, we could just shoot the guy, but then the film will be about 20 minutes long, why don't we have him followed by a remote control helicopter with a poisoned dart attached to the nose, and when he stops at the grocery store, we'll remote control his ass into oblivion!'. It was that bad. Not since the end of a James Bond movie, have the means of killing someone being so ineptly conceived and carried out.
So, to sum up, my advice to you is this: Save your money, and don't see Justice.
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